The FoMo Fiend: this friend isn’t just at the party, this friend is the party, and goddammit they are going to let you know it, at the time, the next day, a couple of weeks after when they haven’t posted anything recently. This friend will blur their photos a lot, either to re-create the hazy drunk atmosphere or to hide how sweaty everyone is, who knows, who cares? Get your freak on FoMo fiend, it’s swag time!
The Artsy Mofo: did they just do some illegal graffiti? No. But they sure as hell put a contrast filter on that bitch! Characteristically the Artsy Mofo will have at least 45 of their own pieces of art up on their Instagram, along with some really well posed photos of them and their friends, which no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to re-create with your own retard circle. Is it the light or the amount of time they spend dedicated to tiny planet? The artsy mofo is the one with the round sunglasses and pasty complexion.
The DIY Maniac: whether it be a cake, a storyboard or a cup of tea, the DIY maniac is here to tell you that they can do it better! Not only are their creations beautiful, but they are also edited and shot well! Unlike the artsy mofo, the DIY maniac has not sought out artsy things to trap inside the Instagram machine, they made it, which is a bit like creating life, only better because you get more followers! Typically a girl, you can tell the DIY instagrammer apart from others by lack of human subjects, you don’t have time for being social when you’re making a 7 tier rainbow cake!
The Scenery Addict: This badass has spent the year instagramming the shit out of the seven wonders of the world, and you are invited to admire it! No height is too high, no panorama too lengthly, no mixture of blur, contrast and frame too edgy for this gap yah traveller. Typically between the age of 18 and 20 this users hashtags will be interspersed with colloquial language they picked up on their travels such as #puravida and #doscaranthasporfavor. With at least six photos of them doing some daring outdoors activity, it’s little wonder these adrenaline junkies have the biggest following.
The Selfie Queen: She has the best skin out of everyone in your friend group, she is the most photogenic, and now she’s loose on Instagram! The Selfie Queen can range from your funny friend who can gurn better than a constipated toddler, to The Fitness Junkie who just wants to tell you about their new workout, either way the likes on their like-o-metre are off the scale. Do we love you, do we hate you, do we desperately want you to do our makeup? Yes to all!
#Thehashtagfreak: The poor soul that missed the Instagram tutorial when it became a trend, their picture is usually a third of the size of their overall post due to the number if confusing hashtags they seem to think are necessary to get a sufficient amount of traffic. Why do they think full sentences are witty and ironic? Why do they think more than one person will have put a hashtag called #hashtagsarefunandwotblud? Maybe it’s a cry for help, maybe they’re painfuly misguided, but they should leave and never come back!
A big shout out to all my poor friends who I descended on to take the Michael out of for this post, you are beautiful an talented and, most importantly, students who aren’t yet media shy. As always if you like the post please comment and if you don’t then also please comment (I laugh in the face of negative notifications), peace out brethren!