An Experts Guide To Chat-up Lines

“I never knew angels flew so low”

“Is there a mirror in your pocket? I can see myself in your pants”

“Can I borrow 50p? I want to call your mother and thank her”

“Why don’t you sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that comes up?”



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Ok so I’ve never hit on anyone in my life before, but I AM very seductive when I gaze at myself in the mirror each morning ‘heeeeey there sexy!’ (Self-esteem starts at home guys).

But as someone whose had lines used on them by idiots till her eyes bleed the pigs blood that was poured on Carrie (I’m not arrogant, I work with drunks) I can definitely tell you a thing or two! The inspiration for this particular post has come from chatting to a Christmas temp at the shop who was telling me about his most successful chat up line on a girl. It involved simply ambling over to this girl in a club, handing her his phone for her to put her number in. he then walked away and rang her from the other end of the room. Ooooooh so cool, you must need to wear socks to bed you smooth criminal. He went on to tell me nothing ever happened with the girl, OH YOU SHOCK ME, I thought, a relationship based on no knowledge of the other person apart from their looks and ability to amble to and from you, would fly like a golden eagle, tell me more about your realisation that this girl wasn’t your soul-mate.

Thing being with chat-up lines is they may be funny, they may even get you a date, but what from there? Most guys who use chat ups are probably not even interested in the chattee to be honest they just want to look big in front of their friends. People can tell guys, people can tell. It may be a cruel thing but when I see that happening I take genuine pleasure in shutting that party down! an example; ‘hey umm do I know you from like five years ago?’, ‘Yeah I think I remember you hanging around outside my school’. Am I a terrible person? Well the psychologists haven’t gotten back to me, but I hate the assumption that the reason I’m out and about is because I’m on the market, not because I’m having fun or (more likely) at work. There are techniques that are cool, like simply asking someone for their drinks menu and going from there, but ultimately they always feel a bit ‘recycled’ like a one-size-fits-nobody pair of easily laddered tights.

My advice? Talk to the person! Seriously, every girl expects you to start with some witty cheesy comment, or mumble yourself into a in audible standstill. Have you ever considered the REAL original chat-up is to walk across the room, be like ‘hey, my name is (insert name here, I mean your name, don’t say that) what’s yours?’ (A winning smile and the body of Brad Pitt would also help but we’re being basic here). Its pretty simple, its how I used to introduce myself in primary school, and suuuuuure you may look like an idiot, but we all spend our lives feeling like idiots anyway, so you may as well earn it! I’d go onto say my years in primary school were some of the happiest of my life, so maybe there’s something in the simplicity of it after all.

Respect points from me anyway bros, remember my wise words the next time you see a lady with whom you’d like to get shady (yes I did make that up, lets pretend I never said it…awkward.)


4 thoughts on “An Experts Guide To Chat-up Lines

    1. Least you tried man, last time a guy came up to me I was so flummoxed I literally stared at him like a gaping gold fish till he wandered away, literally, I froze. Obviously not meant to be, but maybe you’ll find the perfect woman one day who is into stomach acid 🙂

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