‘Have I gone mad?’
‘I’m afraid so. You’re absolutely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are’
I don’t know whether its because all bloggers are social outsiders or just because I’m drawn to other mental bloggers, but it would seem that all the blogs I read are written by the insane. That’s no bad thing, I view ‘insane’ as an affectionate term, and as someone who doesn’t share it’s allowed me to find my own feelings expressed for me, just by another person. It’s helped me out because seeing those feelings reflected in myself, from someone who actually admits to mental health problems, actually gave me the courage to address my own, tell my mum and ultimately seek hell from my GP, for all the good it did me.
But it did get me thinking about being mad. I mean, I know we all have something wrong with us, but because something’s wrong with all of us, doesn’t that in a sense make us the normal ones? Insanity, after all, is a sane response to a mad world.
The thing is, I felt I should say all this just now, because I already feel like a fraud on my own blog (which is ridiculous, it’s my blog after all thank you very much!) but I know I say that you should have a positive self-image a lot and that sort of implies that I have really good one when I don’t. I am, in fact, a massive hypocrite. What I wanted to explain was many of my posts are things I would say to me if I ever met myself. As someone who knows how it is, I want you to know that you are actually valuable. I would want myself to know that it doesn’t matter whether I’m successful or loved by those who I want to love me, so long as I love myself. But telling myself that is one thing, accepting and believing it applies to me as well as you is quite another. It’s what they call, in cognitive therapy, ‘warped thoughts’. Yes I know they’re warped sir but it’s what I think, what I think shapes my reality so to be perfectly honest those thoughts become the truth and so aren’t warped at all if you look at it like that! Ha!
According to my dearest Marbles (my ma) my first ‘low’ was when I was about nine. I remember it, I was very sad. As someone who I think a lot of people perceive to be a happy person, it’ll come as a surprise, but I’ve not told many people I blog and I’m keeping it that way, so there’s no way they ever have to know really. This is my space and I don’t want to feel pressured to be amusing all the time here, which I do sometimes in the real world. This is the biggest low I’ve had in years and I guess it was building for a while, but was probably triggered by being dumped by my boyfriend of nine months. Very cliche but I thought it was a ‘love of my life’ kinda deal and for someone who finds it hard to be open (me saying this has already taken several hours of drafting) it broke my teeny soul in two. I’m trying to get better anyway. But yeah, I thought I should say something about it, because I should be able to in my personal space after all. I am Ella, I get happy, but I also get very sad, that’s what I needed you to know.
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