Partners In Crime

As some may have guessed from a previous post I’m currently ‘in the retail industry’, which is a classy way of saying people in shops throw clothes at me and I’m payed not to kill them. A benefit of it though means that I get to observe a prime section of humanity while they stoically ignore my existence, like David Attenborough without the rock cam. I also ‘moonlight in the hospitality industry’, which is a classy way of saying the same thing except its beverages and edibles, but that’s for another day.

The thing I wanted to ponder with you today, (yes you, this looks bang up your street) is the everyday phenomenon of couples shopping together. I mean, WHY?

I know what you’re thinking ‘hey we care for each other we want to spend time together isn’t this fun’, right? Wrong! The reality of what I see is in fact much more sinister and deadly….well you won’t die, but still, it’s heavy stuff…

Firstly let’s looks at something no one wants to see, the PDA, or public display of affection as the kids would call it. There I am, innocently going about my day when BAM I am presented with two people whose only intent seems to be discovering exactly what ecoli lurk next to their partners uvula. Now I’m all for dentistry, but don’t bring it to my cashier. You may be the picture of loves young dream but the second this begins to occur I immediately become some sort of relationship goblin, internally calculating the sell-by-date of your love, “well your happy now, but I definitely saw her checking out that guy in the jeans section, 3 months for you!”. Am I a monster? Thats for science to decide. But are you not secure enough within your love nest not to have to flaunt it like a smug gyrating bird of paradise?

Conversely you could argue that couples shopping together means they are just shopping, not following me about like a personnel rom-com hell, but here again we have a problem! So you’re a girl, you want a new frock that compliments your figure and makes you look like Kiera Knightley, the last thing you should do is take your man-meat along for the ride. Firstly unless he’s gay, or so far in the closet he’s found your jelly shoes from 1995, he will have no idea on the pros and cons of the peplum vs the dropped waist skirt. He will tell you you look fit whatever you wear because he’s your boyfriend, and that is his job. Good if you need the self-esteem boost but not good if you actually want to shop, and trust me ladies, I know you want to shop.

The flip side of the coin is girls going out to dress their boy. To which I say ‘why are you going out with him if the minute you do you start to subtly mould everything about the dude, from his converses up?!’. If you fell for him then surely you can’t think he looks that hideous, so leave the crocs be….actually not the crocs, burn them, but then secretly keep them cos they’re comfy as hell…moving on… Think of it this way; if a guy told a girl how to dress, how to cut her hair and when to shave there’d be an army of her she-banshee friends telling him to stop being so controlling, but if a girl does it there’s some sort of unspoken maninism (reverse of feminism, not a word but let’s say it is) saying that’s ok. I disagree.

So shop for you, because at the end of it you’re the one wearing the clothes, so you have the right to decide exactly how ugly you look.

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